Why Slow is Fast and Less is More

Early Childhood is a sacred time where our children deserve to be honoured for where they are at

We’ve all heard the saying ‘less is more’, mostly when it comes to plastering make up on our already beautiful faces. In early childhood this saying couldn’t be more true. Less in our days allows for more moments of child led learning where our children have the space and time to show us what it is they are interested in; what is important to them; what they are learning and what stage of development they are in. If we pause, plan less for our day and take a moment to observe, our child will tell us quite clearly what it is they need to do to learn. 

There is a pull in all of us to want to teach our children everything they need to thrive and excel in life. Such a beautiful intention, this desire to support our children and set them up for success but what if doing less means more learning?

“What if by going slow, their development, interests and learning took centre stage and exploded before our eyes.” 

Just after I gave birth to a baby who entered our world posterior requiring an episiotomy, I reached out to a very wise woman to help me with my injuries and healing. She had some incredible advice which was like a soothing balm to my normally very active and busy self who desperately wanted to get back to training. She said to me, “slow is fast”, (thanks Carli Dillan). She was right, my muscle fibres needed to heal. They had carried a weight through 9 months of pregnancy and been strained through birth so they needed time to heal and strengthen. My hormones needed time too so they could aid in the healing process. In those first few weeks, our oestrogen is low to support our breastfeeding but it means we have less lubrication and our cells are less full and supple. It wasn’t a time for training and rushing back to life. It was a time for floor breathing, cuddling my boy, drinking bone broths, eating delicious nutritious food and sleeping when I could. Through this slow is fast approach, my hormones did what they needed to do and my muscles began their journey towards healing and their new strong norm. If I had rushed to get back to training like I originally thought I could, I would’ve slowed the healing process and potentially done more damage. 

With our children this same philosophy applies. Slow is fast and when we replace slow with fast than we risk interrupting the learning process. Childhood is a time of rapid brain development, identity formation and change for our little people. There are elements of early childhood that can not be rushed through (and shouldn’t be rushed), not with any amount of teaching or support. Our children need time to be in the ‘stage’ they are in, to be exactly where they are and they deserve this. They deserve to have adults around them who honour where they are at and respect it. As we meet our children where they are, we see them, we hear them and we hold space for this unique time of development and for their unique dispositions and schemas to unfold. The benefits in the long run being enormous. 

What you do now counts. People may say to you that our children don’t remember anything from this time in their life, but children have implicit memory and the structure and function of their brain is altered depending on the environment we are providing, so what we do now is incredibly important. Are we providing our children with an environment that says: I see what is important to you; I trust you; take your time and focus; you can do this; I’m here if you need me or are we saying: hey I know better; listen to me; or there isn’t time for that?

Self taught skills through trial and error can create a sense of pride and a growth mindset versus skills that are taught to us by someone else. Sometimes in the teaching process the underlying message can be, “don’t do it like that, try this, or I know better so listen to me”, both of which can induce anxiety, frustrations and a child looking outwards for validation rather than looking in and reflecting on their learning.

Does this mean we never teach or correct our children, no! (let’s not be fanatical and age matters here). There is a place for everything and scaffolding learning is valuable at times. Let's just make sure our very young children also have time in their day when they are leading their learning at their own pace, are making the mistakes and learning the lessons they need and want to learn.

Children download information when they are really little, rather than learn through direct instruction so your words are less powerful than the language of your body and your tone of voice. Does your body language and tone say I trust you, give it a go and see what the outcome is, do the research, let’s learn? Does it show them you believe they are competent?

In the future we want our children to be able to come across an abstract concept that can be enormously difficult to understand and instead of feeling like that concept is too hard, we want them to be curious,  excited to learn and to have the mindset that they are capable of learning with some effort! When our children’s cognitive brains are really coming online, they are better able to understand abstract concepts but what we can do for our children now, is give them the time, the space and the resources they need to do the research so that they have real examples to ground their abstract learning in. Imagine trying to understand gravity, force, volume, thrust, sound-waves if you had never fallen or watched something fall, never filled a vessel to overflowing and poured different amounts into different sized vessels snd listened to the echo of different sounds in different environments. 

Let’s give our children the time, space and resources they need to do the research with their own hands. To build a body of knowledge that they can bring to the table later in life when understanding difficult abstract concepts is appropriate and important.

If abstract learning is grounded in real learning, this means hours of play lifting, tipping, pouring, falling, feeling, balancing, listening…. 

Decision making is great for cognitive development and you may have heard of natural consequences when parenting experts are talking about discipline but in place of using natural consequences for discipline or control, they can be used for learning. For our children to have the opportunity to make decisions and experience the natural, real world consequences of those decisions we must let them play, let them try, let them fall (no I am not advocating for unsafe situations where children can injure themselves - it is our job to put parameters in place that ensure children’s safety). It is important they have ample opportunity to choose how to spend their time and for us to show them we trust them. 

By showing your children that you trust them, they will learn to trust themselves. My guess would be that as a parent you hope the values you have as a family are instilled in your child and that these values will help them make decisions as they grow into young adults. When your almost adult child comes across difficult decisions, let’s hope that they will look into themselves and the values you have instilled in them to make their decisions rather than to their peers or advice that doesn’t align with your values.

Teaching your children to trust themselves from a young age will support them to keep trusting themselves and their decision making later in life.

This means letting your child say no, letting your child try things even when it feels uncomfortable (because they might spill it all over the floor), encouraging your child to listen to their voice, to share that voice, and have some power over the decisions made in the day. 

While independence versus interdependence is a conversation for another day, we all want our children to feel confident in their ability to make decisions and take action independently of us at the appropriate ages and stages of their lives. Independence is fostered through responsive, connected relationships where children have their signals, cues and communication responded to; their needs met; decision making opportunities and time to finish their tasks. Contrary to what we may have heard growing up, that independence is developed through leaving a child to solve their problems on their own or self sooth through difficult emotions, independence is actually fostered in deeply connected and respectful relationships. This does not mean we rush in to rescue or fix our children’s problems, but when they show they are frustrated or distressed while trying to solve a problem we are present and available, we narrate what we can see and offer our support without taking over the child’s voice or autonomy. Self soothing is an advanced skill (that requires the brain development our little ones don’t have yet), one that many adults still struggle with (and who regularly need co-regulation to soothe difficult feelings).  

When our very young children signal they need comfort, the only thing to do is comfort them

This supports their brain to return to a safe state. Earlier we talked about the cognitive brain and abstract learning, here we’re looking at the first 3 years of life, the infant brain and the development of the brainstem, cerebellum (movement) and limbic (emotional) brain. Some neuroscientists will say that early childhood is up to the age of 7 and while you will see more tolerance of difficult feelings develop, the same philosophy can be applied to our older children. It is important to always keep in mind that Children learn best when they feel safe and can access their cognitive brain and higher functioning abilities - this means they have a regulated nervous system, their needs met and they feel deeply safe. 

Early childhood is obviously a time for lots of face to face communication: eye contact, smiles, laughter, having fun with language. More neurotransmitters are lit up through this face to face interaction than any other activity and the oxytocin released during these times is important for bonding and well-being. While we should prioritise the development of our children’s verbal and non-verbal communication skills and have lots of face to face interactions, there is also a time where ‘less is more’ when it comes to verbal communication.

Less communication from you, ‘the adult’ can allow for more communication for them. 

Sometimes your presence is enough and through quiet observation they will notice you are there, they will fill the quite space you have created and show you what they are learning and what is happening in their minds. If we rush in and apply our understanding of a situation, or point out the learning that we see as valid, we can interrupt the learning that is taking place and stop the story the child is telling (internally). Less of your words during free flow play can allow for more of their words.

There are times in play where learning new words or concepts is less important than letting the child explore their imagination, see a story through to fruition and have full control over their play and the telling of their story.

For this to be the case, it means we avoid naming the resources they are working with. Even when our children invite us into play, finding a neutral way to engage without labelling anything can be powerful. This allows for them to apply their imagination, their perspective and tell their story the way they want to. Every time we take over by calling the screwdriver by its name when really it was a space rocket, we interrupt the child’s story, thinking process and in some cases it feels like a correction for the child. 

In place of naming things we can instead notice the effort. This can look like: "I see you are really focused and are choosing those pieces very carefully and deliberately to place there". (this is actually very hard to do so be kind to yourself as you practice and feel a bit silly, but the outcomes of noticing the effort the child is putting in over focusing on the outcome or taking over their story is worth feeling silly for.)

By noticing and valuing the effort we are supporting our children to develop a growth mindset, we are placing more emphasis on the process and are encouraging them to reflect on their learning rather than focusing on the outcome.

This takes us back to the earlier paragraph about abstract or difficult concepts - no matter how intelligent your child is, there will be a time when learning or life gets hard for them so giving them the gift of a growth mindset is invaluable. This is a mindset that allows your child to believe they are capable of learning with some effort. 

Sometimes we want play to be just that, play! A time where our children are not trying to please us, are not trying to get it right. Just pure joyful exploration of what is important to them.

When you see play, do you see your child: planning; managing self; managing emotions; making decisions; problem solving; over coming hurdles; learning about all the textures, surfaces, materials; the elements of science; learning about themselves; developing resilience as they work through problems; creative thinking;  reworking solutions; unhindered exploration; using their imagination; creativity; curiosity; mastering skills; developing coordination; developing gross and fine motor skills; connecting the hemispheres of their brain as they move their bodies in unique ways and learn to cross their midlines; a time to experience true cause and effect; consequences?....the list goes on.

Do you see play as a time of healing where the child enters that beautiful flow state or meditative state we’d love to be able to reach more easily as adults, a healing brain state? Do you see play as a time for the telling of stories and processing of their world, as unhurried time in nature or just unhurried time and a time for practicing, practicing, practicing? Maybe they need to dig in that dirt again to solidify what it is they are learning.  

I know you’ve heard this one before for sure, it is ok to be bored. I always say to the children around me, “your best idea is about to come" when boredom is brought up.

Children don’t need constant entertainment but opportunities to be, to relax, to get bored and to use their creative skills to find the magic in the ordinary. 

Please don’t read this article and think you have to be fanatical or a perfectionist! If you align with anything in this article than just take some time each day to let your child be in free flow play, take time to observe that play, let their learning unfold and where you can see an opportunity to extend that learning then give your child the resources or support they need. There is a lot of value in most out of the home activities from music, to social connections to movement options. I’m just questioning how much we schedule in versus how much time we give our children to direct their own play without expectations or influence. 

So what we do now as parents, educators and caregivers? We calm ourselves and we fill our cups. We heal and unlearn the things that cause us to get triggered so we are better able to respond in kindness to little arms when they reach for us, to big emotions when they need to be expressed. We sit back and watch the learning unfold. We trust our children and only step in and support when we are invited or when we see an opportunity to extend their learning without taking over their voice or autonomy. 

I know you are doing an unbelievable job as a parent so well done. Leave a comment and reach out if you want to talk more. 

Arohanui (big love),

From Kelly x

Early Childhood Kaiako (Teacher)

Advocate and International Fundraiser for girls education

Founder of Fiercely Gentle

Follow us on Instagram